Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.