If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
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This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.