Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
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stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.