if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
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Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan