CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
You Might Also Like
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*