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When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.