the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
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God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Yup!
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…