Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
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I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”