I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
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To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*