[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
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When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?