*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
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Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Oh my god
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday