The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
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Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe