Pass gas, not judgment.
You Might Also Like
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink