Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that