[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
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If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.