“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
You Might Also Like
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work