*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?