“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
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DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
this FaceApp is creepy af
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
welp
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO