did it work
You Might Also Like
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
This checks out
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread