Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
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My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.