Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.