I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
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Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I have obtained a hat
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?