Boom, boom, ching!
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Batman v Dracula
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.