You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
You Might Also Like
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
This sounds bad:
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
found this cool rock hiking today
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.