It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
You Might Also Like
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.