With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
You Might Also Like
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Why are bridges so flammable.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Cardio Made Easy
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?