Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
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Did I do this right
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes