doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
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Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training