Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
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I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho