Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
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Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.