We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
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That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself