For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
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The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.