*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
You Might Also Like
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards