There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
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Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.