If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
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Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
The sacred texts.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.