People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
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I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.