Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
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Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
meow
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]