Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
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When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.