Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
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Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
eggs benadryl
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.