the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
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I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.