a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
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Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
me, too, girl. me, too.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
A leaf blower, but for people.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches