FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
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I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
#Caturday
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.