Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
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If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Baller is short for ballerina
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Human are so complicated
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.