Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
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Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐