POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.