Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
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My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Received some very disappointing news today
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.