guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
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stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Look at this
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana