I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me