I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
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The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Eat…
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Jogging
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now