I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.